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Monthly Archives: August 2012

It’s just a different knife

I wandered into and through despair for two years of my life. I was so weighed down and blinded my my brokenness. I bought into lies that lead to anorexia and cutting, and I was ashamed that I had bought into and acted on those lies. Shame convinced me I was too broken to be loved or used by God. It didn’t seem like a big deal. It wasn’t visible unless I made it known, and there were people out there who had real struggles who needed help more than I did. I wasn’t dying, I had a good home, good friends, and at the time a great boyfriend. I felt not only were these problems small, but they seemed out of place. I shouldn’t be struggling when I was so blessed. I didn’t need to waste someone’s time with my petty problems when there were people who really needed help. Even though it wasn’t a big deal, it was still heavy on me. As time wore on, it seemed to me that God was talking to everyone around me, but not me. Everyone had stories of how God had spoken to them during their time with him in the mornings, at a service, or through music, but for me, God was silent. I felt it was because of what I had done. I didn’t know why I did what I did. I just knew I did it, it was wrong, and I couldn’t fix it. What I did eventually became who I was. I was a problem that couldn’t be fixed. I’m sure some people have reasons for doing what they do, that they are more or less provoked to action, but that doesn’t change whether or not it’s wrong. To God, sin is sin. What I didn’t know in my time of despair is that everyone has a cutting story; it’s just a different knife. Whether our wounds are from pride, drugs, selfishness, a broken family, a girlfriend or boyfriend, alcohol, an eating disorder, guilt, loneliness, or a physical knife, they shouldn’t be hidden; they should be healed. Healed wounds turn into scars which turn into stories–stories of hope. Brokenness was part of the plan from the very beginning (Isaiah 53:5). Christ came to be broken so that we could be made whole. In order for us to be made whole, we have to give our whole selves to Him. We won’t be alone; I was never alone in my wandering. I didn’t see it then, but He was there the whole time gently calling me back to Him. He will always patiently guide us back to Him. I’m not going to pretend I’ve got it all down, or that I know everything; I don’t. But I do know no matter how many times we are broken, He will heal us. I know it’s not about fixing ourselves; It’s about going to God and then giving him glory for our healing. It’s about the journey of learning to give everything to Him.   Katie Odell 2012